If life’s struggles can make us diamonds, our own inner dialogue can grind us right back in to dirt!
Today’s guest shares a brave confession of her own inner struggle with this, and how she’s finding a way out. I first met Marie Osborne 15 years ago when she was dating my brother. (In fact, I just found pics of her in my college graduation album!)
The years have been good to this say-it-like-it-is girl. She’s writing, mothering, and inspiring women like crazy over at her blog. Today, she shares what’s helping her break up with the inner conversation that breaks her down. Read on!
My toddler’s vocabulary is just now developing. Our interactions mostly consist of repeated inquiries after his father. “Dada? Dada? Dada?”
Dada is at work, kid. For the millionth time.
Since I’m the only person here during the day who can utter coherent sentences, my house is pretty quiet.
Aside from the hurtful words that haunt me.
Words from my past waft in, drift through the air, tickle my ear. Abusive adjectives reach into my present, clamp down on my shoulders. They scratch at old scabs, pour salt in old wounds.
Fat. Stupid. Lazy. Ugly. Slow.
Unaccomplished. Unloved. Unworthy. Unwanted.
These words were spoken to me, over me, at me, about me. Define me. When I let them. Sneak in under the window sill. Stealthy smoke of wicked words, charring my baby’s home. Fill his mama’s heart and mind with burnt and broken memories.
The guilt and worry and self-consciousness of motherhood invite these old friends along for the ride. The feelings of failure and fear in this new season welcome the painful words from my past. Two destructive friends. Stronger in each other’s company.
Why haven’t you lost the baby weight yet?
Why can’t you make better, healthier meals?
Why don’t you play with him more? Do more educational activities?
I need new words to push the ugly ones out.
I need to break off the conversation, stop yesterday from speaking lies into today. Break off the stream of deception and claim truth instead, with words of affirmation, affection, perseverance, protection.
I need words of power and praise, joy for this journey. I need to throw off everything that hinders… and fix my eyes on my Lord (Hebrews 12:1-3).
Just like when we’re in a crowded restaurant, with conversations whirring around, I don’t just listen to my husband, I focus on his lips. I can’t really hear his words if I didn’t watch his facial expression, read the movements of his mouth. Looking at him, focusing on him, that’s what drowns out the noise that surrounds me.
Fixing my eyes on Jesus. To drown out all else.
I’m revisiting the life of Christ right now, and whenever I remain in Him, I notice the words from my past quickly fade. Barely audible in the shadow of His fullness.
All other words recede in the presence of the Word.
The Word that has been since the beginning. The Word that is God and was with God since before anything. The Word that comes out of time and space to kick the words of my painful past out of my present and future.
There is no room for the dark words of my past when I’m filled with the Light and the Word in my present.
He’s breaking off the conversation.
As the haunting, hurtful words of my past dissipate in His presence, so does the guilt and worry and self-consciousness of new motherhood. Replaced with His grace, His power, His perseverance in this season. In Him, I do not grow weary and lose heart.
Farewell, wicked words. Of my abusers. Of my abusive self.
Welcome, Word who became flesh.
Hi there! I’m Marie Osborne! A wife, mama, and blogger who loves Jesus & large non-fat lattes. I’m here in the trenches right beside you, sister. Candidly sharing my sinner’s journey through marriage, new motherhood, and beyond. Find me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagra