“There is something important about a life lived like this—full of moments that tear us apart and break out hearts and help us understand our purpose. Moments that inconvenience us. Moments for which we should be eternally grateful.” – Jeff Goins, Wrecked (Moody, 2012).
Today, a blogger I enjoy for her raw, beautiful words of hope and healing shares a little of her story, and of how motherhood has wrecked her – undone her – in the best ways possible. Enjoy this post from Marni Arnold!
When Laurie asked me to write an article, I began to rummage through my mind about what I would talk about. When I came up with the topic of discovering healing through being a mother, I thought, “Not necessarily the easiest topic to write about! …Where do I begin?”
The only place I can think of is how I was parented – but that will turn into a book if I go into depth on that. Growing up, I knew both of my parents loved me more by what they did – rather than emotions rallied my way from them. When I was very young, I got a lot of snuggles and such, but as I grew up I encountered more of the, “I am here for you whenever you need me” kind of love. This isn’t bad, but it didn’t instill in me a heart that has warm fuzzies.
Go figure though; my spirit has always yearned for this kind of love, and little by little as I am now growing everyday into my own journey of motherhood, my son is drawing the warm fuzziness out of me little by excruciating little. I emphasize excruciating, because warm fuzzy emotions aren’t normal for me. In fact, they’re painful for me.
Yet, one thing I’ve learned in my life since becoming a mother is that pain reveals that we are in the process of being healed.
God desires for me to feel the love that indwells my heart, for if I can’t feel my emotions…I can’t reveal my true self to God, nor anyone else. Not that we should live our lives exclusively by our emotions, but they function as a tool for God to reach the very depths of who we are so as to bring us into deeper relationship with Him, so we can experience true healing in Him.
This is what I’ve been going through the last five years since becoming a mother. Before, I was merely an “act like a Christian” type of Christian for a few years because I didn’t understand what it entailed to truly live the Christian life. I didn’t grow up in such a home. In fact I was raised Jewish – and before I came to Christ, I practiced Paganism for six years. So my life for a long time was centered around loathing Christians (and Jesus Himself), rather than embracing them (or Him).
Having that history, and lacking the warm-fuzzies through childhood, He had to bring me to a point where He knew I’d shatter so all I could do was look to Him to begin understanding how this Christian life is actually to be lived.
He did this by giving me my son, and the postpartum depression afterward which brought me to the breaking point. It seems He allows us to go through physical pains at times to get our attention set on Him; but this is exactly what He uses in our lives. Our natural states. Our flesh.
For when we feel pain, we are left with only two options – to find healing in ourselves, or God; and let me tell you, the former doesn’t pan out too well in the end.
We must feel in order to come to experience and know healing in Christ. We must allow ourselves to go through the pain. We must allow ourselves to love. It’s not easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.
Coming to God, going through healing, it’s going to be a journey – one full of mountain tops and valleys. One full of joys and pains. One of our children and the circumstances of motherhood revealing to us the very things we need to address in our own hearts.
In my own journey, He’s healing me from the pains of my past, so I can in turn point my son to the One who will always be there to help him heal. It’s teaching me, every so slowly, how to feel–to have those fuzzies. It’s not easy, but oh…is it ever worth it!
– Marni Arnold (Find out more about her here).
(Photo Credit: Life as I Know It)