When you wake up on the wrong side of life…

We all have our down moments.

It happens to the best of us. The eyes open, we roll over, and feet touch the ground of “get away from me or you’ll discover if dragons are mythical after all.”

That would be me today. And yesterday. And for about a week. Because that’s what life with diagnosed depression is like. Every few months, no matter how good relationships or circumstances are, it’s like someone poured molasses over your life.

Movement slows

Passions cool

Joy fades

Everything takes monumental effort. The dishes stay in the sink too long. The conflict that needs to be resolved collects toxic dust.

Everything feels like it’s happening to someone else. Like it’s about a block away. Even if it’s your preschooler next to you, asking you to read her that story.

You become half yourself for a little while. Sleep more. Lose touch with people. Shut down.

But it can’t stay that way forever. You just won’t let it. Life matters too much. So you fight.

I’m fighting today. Taking deep breaths. Finding moments to soak in sunshine. Tackling smaller tasks I can do in 15 minutes or less. Letting go of a few others. Falling into God’s arms. Asking Him to remind me what abiding in Him looks like when I can’t feel my own emotions.

More than anything, I keep going. Just one numb foot in front of the other. I let people in, even if I’m not pursuing them for a season. I choose to look in my kids’ eyes as often as I remember. I listen to music and my Bible and the words of my sister and mom and the people who love me and keep me going.

Right now I’m waking up on the wrong side of life. But it won’t be this way forever. It never has. The.Breakthrough.Will.Come.

“For everything there is a season.” – Ecclesiastes 3:1

Have you struggled with depression? What is it like for you? What pulls you out of it?

– Laurie

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Comments

  1. Annie says

    right now, I am waiting for this heavy cloud of depression to lift off my life, been here too long, trying to hang on to the Lord, and His faithfulness, through tough times. blessings to all of us who are struggling right now with hormones and emotions. xoxo God is our ever present help in time of need. even when we dont feel it.

    • says

      So, so true, Annie. Our ever present help in time of need (and trouble). Another verse that keeps me through the downs is “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living” (Ps 27:13). Joining you in that prayer for each of us who know what life is in the emotional shadows. Hugs!

  2. Liz Jones says

    I really resonate with this post. I also have depression and recently I have also felt the molasses feeling. I feel like everything is SUCH an effort and I find myself letting important things go and just doing NOTHING. Well, even though it is not the best place to be in, I am seeing God and I know I am not alone. He gives me moments of joy and even if I cannot FEEL them I see them, acknowledge them, THANK HIM for them, usually put a FB post up about them to confirm that they are real to the rest of the world, and I KEEP GOING. I am not eating well though and my 8 month old is keeping me from getting good sleep. I feel blah and overly sensitive, but today I decorated our front step for Halloween with my four year old, giggled on the floor with my baby and tackled a bunch of things in my house, so take that Satan:) I am living and moving and BEING and surviving and overcoming in my own way:) Thanks for sharing.

    • says

      Oh, Liz, I wish we could just get together for coffee and hang out! I love your “take that, Satan.” Indeed. 🙂 So true that there are pockets of joy among the molasses. Yesterday, I got some tough news about our daughter in the residential facility and it launched me smack dab in the middle of grief, but even then, a sweet note from a friend… your heart shared here… little, sweet pockets of joy. So glad you shared your heart here. Blessings, friend!

  3. says

    Laurie… I so appreciate your openness and honesty. What a breath of fresh air. I see you, sweet friend. I’ve been there. I know that toxic dust. I know that molasses. I know that fuzziness. But God. Love that, too. I’m glad you are my friend. Love you…

  4. Fran says

    Yes, I struggle with depression. I shut down. It becomes difficult to move. I feel drained. Washed out. Everything becomes an effort. I sing and I pray. I meditate on Scripture. Other than that, I wait it out. Because eventually, it does lift and the clouds pass.

    • Laurie Wallin says

      So sorry to hear it’s a struggle for you, too. Sounds like you’ve weathered this storm as it comes. It really is all in the waiting. Was just reading “Oh, The Places You’ll Go” with my daughter last night and the waiting passage made me teary-eyed. Waiting it out…

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