It happens to the best of us. The eyes open, we roll over, and feet touch the ground of “get away from me or you’ll discover if dragons are mythical after all.”
That would be me today. And yesterday. And for about a week. Because that’s what life with diagnosed depression is like. Every few months, no matter how good relationships or circumstances are, it’s like someone poured molasses over your life.
Everything takes monumental effort. The dishes stay in the sink too long. The conflict that needs to be resolved collects toxic dust.
Everything feels like it’s happening to someone else. Like it’s about a block away. Even if it’s your preschooler next to you, asking you to read her that story.
You become half yourself for a little while. Sleep more. Lose touch with people. Shut down.
But it can’t stay that way forever. You just won’t let it. Life matters too much. So you fight.
I’m fighting today. Taking deep breaths. Finding moments to soak in sunshine. Tackling smaller tasks I can do in 15 minutes or less. Letting go of a few others. Falling into God’s arms. Asking Him to remind me what abiding in Him looks like when I can’t feel my own emotions.
More than anything, I keep going. Just one numb foot in front of the other. I let people in, even if I’m not pursuing them for a season. I choose to look in my kids’ eyes as often as I remember. I listen to music and my Bible and the words of my sister and mom and the people who love me and keep me going.
Right now I’m waking up on the wrong side of life. But it won’t be this way forever. It never has. The.Breakthrough.Will.Come.
“For everything there is a season.” – Ecclesiastes 3:1
Have you struggled with depression? What is it like for you? What pulls you out of it?