Love can sting. What we believe to be love can be a thinly-veiled imitation. What we trust as love may still disappoint. It’s always more choice than chance. More give than glow.
And sometimes it shatters us.
Today’s guest post, by my friend Diane Bailey, shares her story of that moment and her process of picking up pieces to find joy again. For any who grieve fresh hurt today, this is for you.
Lying on the floor, I cradle my pounding head in the crook of my arm, drawing the design of the rug with my finger while clutching tissues. In the past twenty-four hours, the thing that I fear has come upon me.
Walking in he announces the promise he made before God, family and friends is a lie. A woman from our Sunday School Class was now the love of his life.
I replay the scene over and over in what is left of the cerebral. Emotions cried numb. Thoughts of all I now had to do race through my mind: Find a job, find a lawyer, tell the children, tell their teachers. Life-changing decisions to make when simply rising from the floor in the morning darkness is too much to accomplish.
Life changing decisions to make while I’m broken…and alone.
I have been a Christian from the womb, hearing and memorizing the Word of God through daily life. But I never had to trust that the scriptures would work in crises.
I’d never had the chance to test them. I call out to God, but all seems quite. He seems to be in a remote corner of the universe inaccessible to me.
Perhaps you can’t identify with this crisis (I hope you can’t). But I know that many of you, as am I, are part of the divorce statistics.
Were you strong? Did you have what seemed like a failure of faith during that time? I did.
The darkness seemed to swallow my children and me alive. As if a black fog hovered over us, hiding us, with no hope of the sunlight burning it away. I would pray the scriptures but they did not make me feel any better. My sorrow would seem to detour my prayers back to praying the problems, instead of praying the promises.
One day in my frustration, I closed my Bible and went outside. Songs of worship began to flow from my sorrow. Songs from Childhood, songs from youth group, songs of worship became breath to me. I found worship to be a cool breeze to my feverish soul.
I sing contemporary songs, scripture set to song, and some old hymns.
At first my heart looks out and does not feel Him anywhere near me, my heart and mind are filled with clouds and darkness – my emotions rain down. Yet the teaching from youth reminds me that feelings of man are not necessarily the reality of God.
Slowly, the quite songs begin to lift the fog.
Just like Mary experienced in the garden. On the ground she cried not knowing what to do. She thought she had lost the most important person in her life. Then looking up she realized that he was there.
He was there, always there, quietly whispering my name, as He whispered Mary’s name, until I was able to hear him and look up. Rabboni!
Jewish tradition teaches, that the new day begins when the sun sets. The light comes out of the darkness to begin a new day.
I look back on that day when I laid on the rug in the darkness of early morning and realize that it was the beginning of the greatest part of my life with Christ.
Truly out of darkness, came light. A time where Jesus took the scriptures that I knew from childhood and turn them into light to my path and life to my soul.
Diane W. Bailey is the author of, String of Pearls (BorderStone Press, 2011). String of Pearls shares how we can take our sorrows to Christ, and like a grain of sand in an oyster becomes a pearl, our sorrows become a testimony of Christ in our lives. Diane is married to Joseph and they share four children, two stepchildren and two birth children for each of them. They have three grandchildren who they call “Rewards for not resigning from parenthood.” A guest on numerous radio shows, she also shares her story, encouragement, and beautiful photos on her blog, Twitter and Facebook page.
To ponder: When you’ve been hurt by one you love, what most helped you through it?
Light dawns in the darkness for the upright; he is gracious, merciful, and righteous. ~ Psalm 112:4