What To Say When You Pilfer Your Child’s Halloween Candy

Warning: Completely Random Post. Read at your own risk.

Halloween is pretty much my least favorite holiday. Ever. Mostly because it’s all about death and gore, ghouls and mummies (which my kids always mispronounce “mommies.” Come to think of it, that probably has something to do with my disdain).

Beyond that, I hate Halloween for the way it makes me a compulsive liar.

The culprit. {Image credit: mg7 / 123RF Stock Photo}

It’s like this one time of year, with all that candy around the house, innocent little me grabs a piece here and there (and there and here…) and before you know it, I’ve got 4 sets of angry eyes trained on me, demanding to know what happened to the candy they got—for FREE out of the goodness of our neighbors’ hearts. Now, does that even seem fair?

I think they should show some compassion, personally.

Or maybe not. Because honestly, my husband and I have a remorseless blast thinking of excuses for candy-pilfering. But as you can see, we’ve only got 15 (below) and I’m running out of ideas. So, would you do a poor mom a favor here? I’m sure you never, ever steal your kids’ candy at Halloween, but if you did, what might you say?

  1. Mom (because talking about yourself in 3rd person is more official…) has a rare condition that requires certain vitamins in tootsie rolls.
  2. I overheard the ants in the backyard staging a coup for the snickers bars. I had to prevent the attack.
  3. They announced a recall on Milky Way snack bars, so I removed yours for your safety.
  4. You know how big a deal your sister will make if she has less than you. I just saved us a huge meltdown. You should thank me.
  5. I see you have a loose tooth. You know, the Tooth Fairy doesn’t leave as much for a cavity tooth. Thought I’d help you make sure your teeth are all good.
  6. I thought one tasted a little off. Had to be sure they weren’t poisoned.
  7. Missing candy? What missing candy?
  8. Go ask daddy.
  9. I just took a few as a down payment for that iPod you want for Christmas.
  10. Darn that cat! It eats everything!
  11. Better put the dog outside. You know what chocolate does to her.
  12. It’s the law of diminishing returns.
  13. Go ask your teacher what that means.
  14. Oh, didn’t I tell you? Every pencil you break while having a homework meltdown is worth a piece of candy. As I look at it, I think you may actually OWE me a few more pieces.
  15. Nah, you just had a bigger container this year. It only LOOKED like you had more last night.
Disclaimer: The contents of this post are solely the opinion of Laurie’s Halloween candy-induced alter-ego. They do not reflect the upstanding fabulousness usually seen at this site.

Happy Halloween everyone!

– Laurie

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  1. MotheringFromScratch says

    {Melinda} Too funny, Laurie! I’m more of a cookie person. Candy doesn’t tempt me. But my kids are always wondering where the cookies are. And that’s a year-round problem because I keep buying them! Oh, and I’m with you — I hate Halloween. Can’t wait until it’s over every year. Makes me feel creepy and yucky.

  2. says

    Hahaha!! I love it. I think I use 7 & 8 most of all… oh I mean I would NEVER steal candy from my kids. 😉 Fun post Laurie!!

    • says

      So, if we can get props on ballots like making dog food companies have to inform us of GMO ingredients… can’t we just get Halloween off the calendar?? I think I’ll take up a petition…

  3. Shannon says

    LOL! They get theirs for the rest of Halloween night to gorge themselves, then it all goes in a giant bag in MY cupboard. Makes it a LOT easier to pilfer. I’m just looking out for their health, after all.