What if I can’t do this?

Have you ever faced a challenging situation and at some point hit the wall as you thought, what if I can’t do this? Me too. In fact, last week, I posted “Resisting the urge to run away” as my status on Facebook… no less than 18 people responded within a few hours. Apparently, we’re not alone!

It’s something I think about many times a day in raising my kids, especially my older two with special needs. In anticipating their mood shifts, their academic challenges, their sibling conflicts. What if I can’t do this?

It’s something I think about on a hard day with my husband. When nothing I say comes out like I meant it, and neither of us can quite think of why we’re arguing, but we just are. What if I can’t do this?

It’s in handling our family’s changing finances since my husband began independent consulting. In the frustration my kids and I have when I need to say no again to something they were used to being able to afford in the past. What if I can’t do this?

And it doesn’t help when I see how well someone else seems to be doing as a mom. Or when I read things like: “If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.” ~Will Rogers (Which then throws me in to even greater depression since I’m often useless at ordering my OWN dog around).

Then, when I’m feeling really sorry for myself and total uselessness in all life is throwing at me, my toddler walks up with a grin on her face and one of my bras slung over her shoulder, exclaiming, “I have boobs like mommy!”

Or when she yells, “Good job, mommy!” when we’re both using the toilet in a public restroom – her in the throes of potty-training and me forgetting what an immense accomplishment that must have been for me a long time ago.

Or when she snuggles into my arms in the morning and strokes my unwashed hair and says, “Mommy’s so pretty hair.”

This kid is like my personal cheerleader! Who can fear the future when I could celebrate the apparently thousands of little milestones I’ve accomplished in my life… things I never even consider now that there are “more important” fish to fry.

What if I can’t do this? This season in life right now?

Honestly, most days I can’t “do this.” At least not the way I want, or imagine someone else would. But with a little hope and perspective… and the unfettered desire to get through it no matter what, I’ll come through better than I fear. And maybe even with a newfound respect and excitement about where I’m at in life, like my daughter has when she looks at me.

None of us is alone in wondering this. The question really is this: who or what do I need in my life so I CAN do this? For me it’s faith and my closest friends. What about you?

-Laurie

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