It’s quiet here. So very, wonderfully quiet. I’m away at my mom’s, my kids still at home with hubby. And I’m just starting to relax after 2 days. As I walked the neighborhood this morning, I did what I’ve done often recently and took inventory of myself. How I feel, what I see around me – the smells, the sunshine, the warm Arizona summer air. I noticed my shoulders were still tense like they were when I left home a few days ago. And I realized that I brought my struggle with me.
It’s the curse of parenting special needs kids. That no matter what I’m doing, their issues cling to my heart – partly because I long so much for them to be whole and unfettered by the conditions that chip away at their joy. Partly because as a constant caregiver, I struggle with being more of a caretaker, and I take burdens off them that do not belong in my hands at all.
I read a familiar story this morning – of one asking his friends to help him feed a large crowd with very little resources.
And I realized that in the story, he never asked the friends to do the miracle-work at all! He just asked them to have the crowd sit down while he did amazing things with what little resources were present.
As I sat and read those words, I noticed my heart lifting. I have been trying to do the miracle work in my family since my kids ended school for the summer. And I’ve been heavy-hearted even with the restfulness of being away because I’m still somehow trying to do this, 500 miles away from home!
I still have a full day of quiet left for the trip. I choose to release my need to make everything right in my children’s lives. To walk away from it this moment. And to pick less of it up again when I step off the airplane and re-enter my role as “therapeutic mom” tomorrow. Even picturing this baggage-drop lifts my spirit, and gives me new joy to be the parent I long to be.
What are you carrying right now that’s weighing you down? What would it look like if you released it?