Choosing the best of both dreams

I have a dream. Two, actually.

The first is for my family to thrive, despite the challenges and special needs we face. Some weeks are much harder than others in that dream. They become more like nightmares… full of grief and loss.

The second dream was born from the first’s darker times… It’s the dream my heart lives when my real life is full of stress and brokenness. To reach out to other moms who are struggling and help them find hope, laughter, and courage in their own challenges.

This week they got into a giant boxing match. And I got punched in the nose.

My husband delivered the punch. He stood in the kitchen, grating cheese as I typed on my computer nearby. Nonchalantly, he said, “You know, Becca is pretty mad at you.”

“Why?” I said, from behind my laptop.

“Because you spend too much time on your computer.”

That punch left me speechless. And then angry. And then afraid.

Let me explain: I am the mother of four kids. Two have emotional, behavioral and developmental special needs, and their little sisters require more care in order to cope with that life. It is tiring at best, full of grief and loss at it’s worst. That’s the nightmare side of the first dream I talked about. Which has marked most of the last month for our family.

And the computer? It’s one of the main windows to my second dream – the one where I help others and feel some sense of meaning when my life is chaotic and heartbreaking at home. Honestly, it’s a lot more appealing to write, Tweet, be on Facebook and speak to women’s groups than it is to deal with the intensity of motherhood.

Thus I face a whole new battle: staying the course when the grass is actually greener on the other side.

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